Okay yeah, well...

I thought I had it.

Just when I get over the fact that I might not ever have him again, "my guy"....just when I accept the fact that he's dating my best friend, just like my very first fiance did to me behind my back...
Just when I think I'm over it...he tells me he doesn't want to be with her anymore...
He tells me...that he still loves me...
He tells me that he realizes the mistake he's made, and that he's "ending everything before anything else happens" before looking at me in a way to say that he wants to be with me again.
He tells me that he's tired of the situation he's in...and that he told me to keep wearing the necklace he gave me when we were going out for a reason....and all of this stuff to bring my hopes back up and all that...
SHE even tells me that she's tired of him always dirtying her place and everything she can find to nitpick at...
Then they get into what seemed like a little argument...she walks off...he comes and talks to me...says he's gonna go talk to her....then they go into the room in the back for about an hour...and come back all peachy keen!? Even cuddling a little??! Excuse the phuck out of me, but what happened to a moment earlier? Why are you calling him baby again and saying you're his girlfriend again? Stop the phucking yo-yo!!!!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FEEL ANYMORE!!!!!!!! I CAN'T HANDLE THIS!!!! If he wants to move back into his ex's place and go back to that shyt, you know....well, okay, you don't, but I do, and as much as I don't want to see him go through all of that bullshyt again...I know it would bring us together again.
My girl friend even said that she saw him breaking up with her and going back to me in the future...before the little argument and all that.

I guess the sex is worth putting up with all the bullshyt...and yeah I know they've humped...I asked her how it was and by her reaction, oh yeah, they have...

I don't know how much more of this bullshyt I can take. This is crazy! Madness, I tell you!!!

What the hell do I do now???

I actually cried a little bit over there. At first, while they were in the back room (I'm still not sure what exactly they did back there...), I grabbed my pen and a spiral notebook I'd just brought back to them...and started drawing the first thing that came to mind. It was pretty to begin with...then they came in and were all cool again and I didn't expect that...I definately didn't need to see them phuckin' cuddling n shyt! I propped that notebook in front of my face and tried to ignore it. That's when the tears started. They were just welled up in my eyes, and I tried to make them go away before he pulled the notebook away from my face. He gave another little hint about the first part of this blog, but then just reverted back to making her feel good or some shyt like that, I don't know why the hell he was doing it...well...I kinda do but still don't.
Anyway, after the cuddling, maybe they caught the hint and stopped getting SO close. He still had his hand on her thigh rubbing it n shyt. I had to go to the bathroom with that one. I really did have to pee, but before I did, I leaned over the sink for about 5 minutes, between having my head down on my arms and looking in the mirror asking myself various questions like "How much longer do I have to deal with this shyt?" and "How am I supposed to take this? I can't take this shyt!" and stuff like that.

Seriously...I don't know how much more I can take. He knows this. He better hurry the hell up before something goes incredibly seriously wrong.

And I'm tired right now. I usually don't go to sleep until at least daybreak. I went to sleep around about 6:30am yesterday...woke up at like 11:35am and started talking to the two bytchbirds.
Seriously, though. How could someone do that to their best friend?!? I mean, I was with this guy for around 4 1/2 months. I thought I moved fast, saying yes to a marriage proposal after 3 months...shyt. SHE wasn't even with him for ONE month and is "engaged" or, as he says, "gone crazy wanting the engagement...[he] never meant it like that" JUST LIKE HE SAID ABOUT MY "Promise Ring"!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, he got down on one knee and gave me a promise ring...yes that ring was a mean looking skull and crossbones with an army hat on...it was only a promise ring. It was adjustable, too, so it definately fit. But since I lost it (my bad, honestly...I've kicked myself for weeks over that and finally accepted that it's lost, it's probably in the trash on accident and I'm not searching in those huge land fills for it, especially NOW...), he says it's kinda my fault, how could I lose a ring he gave me, all that guilty game gab. Well, he said that two weeks ago...I believe it was two weeks ago, I don't think it was this past Friday...I don't know. Whatever. He said yesterday that he didn't mean to talk to me the way he did (like an old school, traditional college dean repremanding his student or something), that she was making him talk like that and almost put on a show...all that shyt.
I don't think so.

See, there are so many things now that tell me he's all wrong...but part of me will always love him and still does right now. This is why I'm going so damn NUTS!
AND SHE SHOULD KNOW THAT, BEING SO PHUCKING CLOSE TO OUR BREAK UP, I CAN'T PHUCKING HANDLE THE TWO OF THEM PHUCKING GETTING ALL CLOSE AND PERSONAL IN FRONT OF ME!!!!!!
Please don't tell me I'm crazy when it comes to that. I mean, it's been MAYBE a month since I found out we were broken up, THROUGH HER because he worded it wrong, and they are ALREADY phucking "engaged" and humping and saying baby and all that. RIGHT THE PHUCK IN FRONT OF ME!
Talk about salt in a freshly opened wound.
Geez. I tell them this constantly...this is one reason why I had almost gotten over the shyt before he brought up how he still likes me and all that....because THEY WOULDN'T STOP! Every time, I wanted to spit a blow dart at her face or something. SOMETHING to tell them to stop doing that shyt, I'm about to crumble here! LEMON JUICE, MAN! LEMON JUICE ON A FRESHLY CUT FINGER! Thanks.

I wrote him a little note, too. One page, not three front and back like last time. It basically said that if they got married, I'd go to the wedding because I love both of them, but I WILL be crying that day...and that I'm done loving what I can't freely love, and I'm tired of trying to love what I can't have...but I still don't think I can handle seeing them getting so close so soon, seeing them do what I can no longer do, thanks for the salt I'll dress my wounds right now.....that type of note. The truth, ya know?

I read it to HIM on the phone....SHE doesn't know about it unless he told her.

I gotta end this and get some sleep, man. I'm gonna call him around noon or so, see what's up with that shyt...ask what they talked about and if they did anything....then I'm asking her the same shyt and seeing what's up.
I can't condone my heart being toyed with anymore.