LOADS to update on!

Well...for one thing, the possibility of "my guy" and my friend doing anything together, seeing as they are living together...it's lessened, but it isn't completely gone. Mind you, I'm not the jealous type, nor am I quick to judge a scenario like this...but this kinda shyt has happened to me before, so of course I'm gonna get paranoid about it!

Off of that part of the subject, though...man, where do I begin. I can't believe how much has happened since my last post!

For starters, he says that the temptation with my friend isn't there anymore....OOH even further back than that...some time after finding out that he's moved in closer to me, I found out that he actually broke up with me. I thought we'd just backed up, not broken up! You know, like a pause, or like...lighten up in the relationship, calm down a little. I didn't expect us to be separated already! We JUST got engaged! He'd JUST proposed to me!
I honestly don't know how I keep my composure in some situations....but anyway...
We went to this party on the Saturday before the full moon this month, my friend and my guy and I did...well, I know that all he said to me at this party is true because he was getting himself drunk and things were just spilling out. He told me the reason for the breakup was that same vision he saw in the dream...but he elaborated on that. FINALLY! I had no clue what was going on or anything until that Saturday. He said that, in this vision in this dream, he was not the one for me. He said he saw me getting married to someone else. I severely disagree with his dream. And, to elaborate on what that whole thing was about my paranoia with him living in the same appartment as my friend...he told me that night that when he first saw my friend, he saw wedding bells. He said he sees them with me, and would rather be with me, but he wanted to try all possibilities. He asked me what I would do if he tried to be with my friend, and I said that was a tough decision. Then he asked me how I would feel, and I said that of course I would be hurt because that's a good friend of mine and something like that has happened before, but that's all I knew at the moment.
Let's see...he said he didn't want to hurt me and that saying he wanted to break up with me was difficult, so that's why he worded it the way he did. I told him that I wanted to call him the next night (the night after that potluck stuff when he started all this) and he said he wanted to call me. I mean, I warned him that the signal over there at that potluck was bad, and I told him later that we should have talked when we could actually hear eachother. That would have saved a lot of pain and stuff. When I told him at the full moon party that I was tired of crying over guys (which I am) and that I did cry a bit with all this confusion and shyt, he looked hurt. I was kinda glad that he did, maybe he will realize just what my heart is going through. I mean, I know that he's going through a lot and that that's the reason he did it, but really. He said he really needed friends more than anything right now...but someone please tell me, wouldn't one special more-than-a-friend who WANTS to be there for you and WANTS to help you through some tough times more than anyone...be wanted more than just a friend? If it was me, I would have just said "Baby, I love ya, but I really think we should lighten up in the relationship a tad...I'm going through a lot and I need to think some, evaluate some things..." I mean, I thought that's what he was saying, you know?

-Le sigh...-

I'm sure there's more I need to add, but right now I can't even think about every detail we went over at that party, or since. I'm sure he thinks we're in agreement that he just needs a good friend and all...but I'm working on teasing the phuck out of him until he takes me back. I told him at that party that I really was loving the idea of a future with him. He already knows that I wouldn't mind having his baby if it ever came to that. I'm guessing he didn't exactly come to grips with the fact that when I love, I love fierce. I'm not in it for a game, I'm in it to win it....I want a long-term relationship. I'm done playing games with these other guys who only want sex or someone to show off. I don't want that anymore. I want someone to really BE with. As Susan Sarrandon (sp?) said in Shall We Dance, a witness to my life. There are a billion people on this planet, what does one life really mean?
I thought I had found the rest of my life's witness.
Hopefully, I have. I really don't want to lose this one.

Oh, I also told him that I hope he doesn't expect me to lie down and take some bullshit game like some of his exes had. My heart is tired of being toyed with. I told him earlier in the relationship that he had somehow managed to find all the little shattered pieces of my broken heart and healed it up, and now it's his. I wasn't playing around at all...I was dead serious.
I don't know if you think this is childish or highschoolish but I wrote him a letter last night before I went to bed. I was kinda inebriated and something was telling me to write these things down. I mentioned about the night before how we were at their apartment and after passing around some Cheetos, I was kinda looking at him while sucking the cheesy goodness off my fingers. We were all kinda drunk and stuff so I didn't give a shyt....I noticed him noticing me, too, and I still didn't care. I was looking right at him with those phuck-me eyes of mine (even though I didn't notice at the time that I was giving him THAT look) and sucking on my fingers, one at a time, paying special attention to each. When he noticed me, he stared at me for a second with that same thought...and I mentioned that in the letter. I mentioned a lot in that letter. I'm gonna give it to him tonight with the pre-warning that he should read it at some point when either my girl friend is asleep or when he's stolen a few moments away by himself. I went and threw in a few song lyrics too, because one song that was huge with us when we started seriously falling for each other (thanks to that like-a-brother friend of mine) started playing while I was writing to him. That was irony at its best in my eyes...

So yeah. Hopefully, after he reads this, he will realize how seriously in love with him I was -- and still am -- and how badly I want to at least hug him, hold his hand, even kiss his cheek. I mean, I told that brother/friend of mine that, and I said this in the letter, I would do almost anything to have my guy even kiss my hand again. Some sort of affection other than his simple looks, which still manage to make me melt.

OH! He also said the other night that...well, let me give you a smidgen of backstory for this.
The guy who took my virginity is a douche. He likes to make random appearances back into my life after randomly dissapearing, you know.
Well, he came over the other night, and so did my guy, my girl friend, and my brother/friend. My girl friend was low on gas and my guy was asking me how much gas my car has. Even though I can't really drive it, it has about a full tank of gas...and it's because I can't really drive it, that I openly offered my car's tank for cyphoning. We cut off a solid piece of already half way mauled garden hose for the job and I went and found a 2-liter bottle because we couldn't find a gas can. Well...ultimately, the tank was un-cyphonable, so we gave up and I gave them some emergency cash. At the moment, I had walked from the road to the house and back and then up to my room and back about a dozen times, so I was standing on the porch leaning against the railing when my guy came up to hand me the hose, bottle, and garden shears (used to cut the hose). While handing them to me, he was explaining: Here's the bottle, here's the hose...and if HE puts a finger -- or anything else -- on you, this is for him. Then, he promptly opened and closed the shears to make a point. I knew exactly what my guy meant. He also said it in that voice that makes me quivver just thinking about it.

Why do I have to be tortured so!?

I can't phucking take this waiting game anymore! This is why I wrote the letter! I really hope it doesn't complicate things any more than they already are. Just like the text I sent him that said that basically my lips are burning for his. He agreed to that text and said he knows how I feel.
I dunno bout all that, now.
I feel pretty cruddy, to be honest.
I feel like he, after healing my heart, broke it in half and stole the bigger half.
That's exactly how I feel....even though I feel completely heartless.....I think his half was 3/4s of my heart, to be honest.

I don't know what to think anymore. I just hope that he reads it tonight and calls me if he wants to talk about it. I'm open to talk to him about anything.

THAT'S ANOTHER THING! He wants friends more than anything. I want to support him and be with him more than anything. I want my fiance back.
Which reminds me, when I told my girl friend (shortly after my guy moved in) that we had actually gotten engaged before his breaking up with me (which SHE told me he broke up with me before I got those words from him), she was in near silent shock. She was all "Oh.......I didn't know that...." and that made me think....did he ask her out? Did he ask her to do anything with him? Is he unloading blue balls in or on her at this very moment? (Well, okay, not that moment because she was taking me home and he was staying behind at her apartment with her sleeping 4-year-old daughter.) She was saying that "backing up" as I heard it from him was "not what he told her" and that he told her something different. I couldn't get it out of her. I asked her if his breaking up with me was all he said to her and she didn't answer. I asked her if he said anything else to her about the two of them and she said "I don't know." I told her that was a load of bullshit, that she would know if he did. That's ALL I GOT, though.
Wouldn't you think something was going on between the two of them with that information?
I know I sure did.
But just recently, he told me that his temptation for her was gone.
I don't know whether I believe that or not.

He KNOWS about the situation I went through with my first fiance going behind my back with my best friend at the time. He knows this, I told him about it to his face! I swear to everything of a higher power that if this is happening to me again, someone other than me will get severely hurt. I will decapitate the both of them and keep their eyes in jars like See No Evil. I say that because HIS eyes are absophuckinlutely GORGEOUS! HER eyes have purdy power rings in them. They're both lovely.

ANYWAY I'm gonna end this here and now before I go even crazier with it.