Okay yeah, well...

I thought I had it.

Just when I get over the fact that I might not ever have him again, "my guy"....just when I accept the fact that he's dating my best friend, just like my very first fiance did to me behind my back...
Just when I think I'm over it...he tells me he doesn't want to be with her anymore...
He tells me...that he still loves me...
He tells me that he realizes the mistake he's made, and that he's "ending everything before anything else happens" before looking at me in a way to say that he wants to be with me again.
He tells me that he's tired of the situation he's in...and that he told me to keep wearing the necklace he gave me when we were going out for a reason....and all of this stuff to bring my hopes back up and all that...
SHE even tells me that she's tired of him always dirtying her place and everything she can find to nitpick at...
Then they get into what seemed like a little argument...she walks off...he comes and talks to me...says he's gonna go talk to her....then they go into the room in the back for about an hour...and come back all peachy keen!? Even cuddling a little??! Excuse the phuck out of me, but what happened to a moment earlier? Why are you calling him baby again and saying you're his girlfriend again? Stop the phucking yo-yo!!!!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FEEL ANYMORE!!!!!!!! I CAN'T HANDLE THIS!!!! If he wants to move back into his ex's place and go back to that shyt, you know....well, okay, you don't, but I do, and as much as I don't want to see him go through all of that bullshyt again...I know it would bring us together again.
My girl friend even said that she saw him breaking up with her and going back to me in the future...before the little argument and all that.

I guess the sex is worth putting up with all the bullshyt...and yeah I know they've humped...I asked her how it was and by her reaction, oh yeah, they have...

I don't know how much more of this bullshyt I can take. This is crazy! Madness, I tell you!!!

What the hell do I do now???

I actually cried a little bit over there. At first, while they were in the back room (I'm still not sure what exactly they did back there...), I grabbed my pen and a spiral notebook I'd just brought back to them...and started drawing the first thing that came to mind. It was pretty to begin with...then they came in and were all cool again and I didn't expect that...I definately didn't need to see them phuckin' cuddling n shyt! I propped that notebook in front of my face and tried to ignore it. That's when the tears started. They were just welled up in my eyes, and I tried to make them go away before he pulled the notebook away from my face. He gave another little hint about the first part of this blog, but then just reverted back to making her feel good or some shyt like that, I don't know why the hell he was doing it...well...I kinda do but still don't.
Anyway, after the cuddling, maybe they caught the hint and stopped getting SO close. He still had his hand on her thigh rubbing it n shyt. I had to go to the bathroom with that one. I really did have to pee, but before I did, I leaned over the sink for about 5 minutes, between having my head down on my arms and looking in the mirror asking myself various questions like "How much longer do I have to deal with this shyt?" and "How am I supposed to take this? I can't take this shyt!" and stuff like that.

Seriously...I don't know how much more I can take. He knows this. He better hurry the hell up before something goes incredibly seriously wrong.

And I'm tired right now. I usually don't go to sleep until at least daybreak. I went to sleep around about 6:30am yesterday...woke up at like 11:35am and started talking to the two bytchbirds.
Seriously, though. How could someone do that to their best friend?!? I mean, I was with this guy for around 4 1/2 months. I thought I moved fast, saying yes to a marriage proposal after 3 months...shyt. SHE wasn't even with him for ONE month and is "engaged" or, as he says, "gone crazy wanting the engagement...[he] never meant it like that" JUST LIKE HE SAID ABOUT MY "Promise Ring"!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, he got down on one knee and gave me a promise ring...yes that ring was a mean looking skull and crossbones with an army hat on...it was only a promise ring. It was adjustable, too, so it definately fit. But since I lost it (my bad, honestly...I've kicked myself for weeks over that and finally accepted that it's lost, it's probably in the trash on accident and I'm not searching in those huge land fills for it, especially NOW...), he says it's kinda my fault, how could I lose a ring he gave me, all that guilty game gab. Well, he said that two weeks ago...I believe it was two weeks ago, I don't think it was this past Friday...I don't know. Whatever. He said yesterday that he didn't mean to talk to me the way he did (like an old school, traditional college dean repremanding his student or something), that she was making him talk like that and almost put on a show...all that shyt.
I don't think so.

See, there are so many things now that tell me he's all wrong...but part of me will always love him and still does right now. This is why I'm going so damn NUTS!
AND SHE SHOULD KNOW THAT, BEING SO PHUCKING CLOSE TO OUR BREAK UP, I CAN'T PHUCKING HANDLE THE TWO OF THEM PHUCKING GETTING ALL CLOSE AND PERSONAL IN FRONT OF ME!!!!!!
Please don't tell me I'm crazy when it comes to that. I mean, it's been MAYBE a month since I found out we were broken up, THROUGH HER because he worded it wrong, and they are ALREADY phucking "engaged" and humping and saying baby and all that. RIGHT THE PHUCK IN FRONT OF ME!
Talk about salt in a freshly opened wound.
Geez. I tell them this constantly...this is one reason why I had almost gotten over the shyt before he brought up how he still likes me and all that....because THEY WOULDN'T STOP! Every time, I wanted to spit a blow dart at her face or something. SOMETHING to tell them to stop doing that shyt, I'm about to crumble here! LEMON JUICE, MAN! LEMON JUICE ON A FRESHLY CUT FINGER! Thanks.

I wrote him a little note, too. One page, not three front and back like last time. It basically said that if they got married, I'd go to the wedding because I love both of them, but I WILL be crying that day...and that I'm done loving what I can't freely love, and I'm tired of trying to love what I can't have...but I still don't think I can handle seeing them getting so close so soon, seeing them do what I can no longer do, thanks for the salt I'll dress my wounds right now.....that type of note. The truth, ya know?

I read it to HIM on the phone....SHE doesn't know about it unless he told her.

I gotta end this and get some sleep, man. I'm gonna call him around noon or so, see what's up with that shyt...ask what they talked about and if they did anything....then I'm asking her the same shyt and seeing what's up.
I can't condone my heart being toyed with anymore.

I guess I get it...

Okay, so everything about this entire thing with me and my guy...well...we got everything settled, to say the least.

My girl friend came over last night and picked me up after "my guy" and my brother-friend had a little battle through text messages.
Making a long story short, my brother-friend came over the night before to talk to me while I was a bit emotional, and then took it upon himself to "set 'my guy' straight on everything" which I did NOT ask him to do. The way he did it, he fucked everything up.

THEN, my girl friend tells me that "my guy" told her he never proposed to me. That was straightened out quick because that right there hurt me. He says it was because the ring he gave me meant something to him and he was hurt that I lost it, then asked me why would I have taken it off in the first place. I told him the truth, that we were looking for something in my brother-friend's car, and the size of the design on the ring had me constantly taking it off if I had to squeeze my hand in some tight spot, like between a car seat and the console between seats. I put it in my bra thinking it would be safe there, cuz nothing goes on in my bra that I don't know about. Well, somehow the ring slipped out without my noticing it. We all think it ended up in the trash, thanks to my brother-friend.

Well, my girl friend had told me on the phone that she's having feelings for this guy, and the guy told me a few times that he'd started having feelings for her. I don't know how much I like the idea of them getting together, much less seeing him doing to some other female some of the many things I loved about being with him, and I said that at the lake last night, where we went to talk this shyt out. What I got back was the guy asking me if I wanted to keep him from happiness. Of course I don't, but I thought he was happy with me...at least he told me he was.

I also told him after everything was straightened up as much as it could get, that with the way things were unclear before had me feeling like my heart was a play toy. He told me he didn't mean it to seem that way and he didn't want me to be hurt by any of this. He said that's why he went about it the way he did. Then I told him that honestly, I'm tired of sugar coating shyt and trying to spare someone's emotions for one's own. I said if he would have just come out with it instead of trying to dance around bushes, I probably would have understood a lot more of the story a lot quicker.

He also elabored a bit more on that little dream he had, and more that he's had since. He said that not only does he know a bit about who was meant for me, but that he knows I will be happy with the new guy.
He said "trust me" and I do...I guess I have to.
Obviously, I don't have the tools to change my own future.
I think I do in my head, but when I go to use them, they turn into other tools that are completely unfit for the job at hand.

I don't know what I'm gonna do without him....
I mean I know I'm not gonna be without him because I'm completely cool with being friends with him...I just don't know how I'm gonna handle him being with my phuckin girl.
As far as I'm concerned, and I did mention this at the lake, she's like a sister to me, and I would never date anyone my blood sister has dated. That's completely off limits for me. I thought that if any girl had any respect for herself, she wouldn't even consider being with one of her girl friend's exes.
But she told me she was starting to have feelings for him.

This shyt is KILLING ME!

Like, I might look okay on the outside, but inside I'm phucking ROILING! My blood is literally boiling over this situation.

SOMEBODY PLEASE TRY TO HELP ME FIGURE THIS NEXT LITTLE DILEMA OUT!
I've mostly done the breaking up when it comes to my past boyfriend's...except for twice. BOTH TIMES, my boyfriend was someone I could see myself being with. Someone I actually reeeally liked. Yes, I've been engaged 5 times now, but the only one I really will have trouble getting over....is this last one. The other guy that broke up with me did it because he's white, his parents are racist, and I'm half black and half white. That one, I didn't get too broken up over, even though I still kinda had strong ass feelings for him.
This one...is gonna kill me.

My brother-friend is pretty good with reading palms, right. Well, I asked him to read mine the night before last because there's a dent in my lifeline. I don't know where the hell that came from, I hadn't seen it before this year...well, he looked at my palm and said that he saw complications with a friend, that Carissa and I were basically gonna butt heads pretty bad pretty soon.
I think this relationship issue might be the reason.

Honestly, I don't know what to think anymore. I have a massive headache and all my thoughts are tangled up.
I talked to my brother-friend when I got home early this morning, though. For one thing, I had to ask him about some guy that "my guy" said my brother-friend told him about. Said that my brother-friend told him that one night at my house, he had fallen asleep or some shyt, and this other guy came in and we left for a bit and came back smiling. Turns out he was ONCE AGAIN bringing up this time where one of his gay friends came over and fell asleep on my bed and I drew a pretty graphic picture of a penis on his knee with the word "PAENIS!" under it with the organ squirting on the word. Either while I was doing that or before I did it, another guy came over. This was the guy in question. I couldn't remember anyone coming over to my house by the description "my guy" was giving me, the description my brother-friend gave...so I asked my brother-friend and he cleared it up a little. I remember who that other guy in question was, and from the description my brother-friend gave, it was the guy in "my guy"s dream of me, the one meant for me. When I found out who this guy in question actually was....HELL NO! I would NEVER in a MILLION YEARS date that guy! I told "my guy" that I was about to kill myself if that was the guy in his dream. He understood cuz he knows the guy in question.

Okay, I'm gonna end this one now...before I type out a novel here. I might add more later.

Yayness, I think...

Well...I wrote that letter...I don't know if I said in the last post that I wanted to write my guy a letter, but if I didn't....well....I did. Want to, that is. And I did write it. I gave it to him...not yesterday, but the day before. Didn't see him yesterday...talked to him, though.

But check this out...

When I was over there the Saturday, so was her daughter, right? Well, her daughter is the most beautiful, sweet, fun kids I have ever known! She's 4 years old, and the most adorable thing ever! She has some energy, too! I help wear her out, though, so she can get some good sleep at night. Well, Saturday, we went shopping around and I helped occupy the child a lot. When we got back to their apartment, the daughter was still energized, and when anyone went out to smoke on the balcony, mostly when I went out there, she would come out, too. The first time, she wanted to see over the balcony like we did, so I hiked up my leg and let her sit on my knee. Then, she got heavy for me to do that a lot, seeing as there's nowhere to prop my foot, so I hiked the girl up to my shoulder! She could see everything, then! She was taller than we were!! ^_^
Then, when we were back inside, my seat was right by the door in this niiiiice chair of theirs, and the little girl and I would do this thing over and over where she ran to me, I caught her and hoisted her into the air, then she stood on my shoulders and propped up against the wall before taking my hands and freefalling onto my legs, then tossing her own legs over herself and landing on the floor upright...it was super fun! She loved it.
Let's just say, we had fun, the kid is energetic, and I helped wear her out again.
Sometime later that same night, while my girl friend's daughter was asleep, I found a ring on the microwave. Well, I'd seen it before, but now realizing it looked more like a piece of jewelry than anything else, I picked it up and tried it on to see if it fit any finger....the ONLY finger it fit comfortably on was my wedding ring finger, left hand. Got curious, so I asked about it. Girl friend said it's a ring, I remembered who gave it to her and everything, then showed her where it fit. She said "Oh, Keke, will you marry me?" and without missing a beat, I said "Yes, girl, I wuv you!!!" :oD
By the way, this guy I call my guy, the one who proposed to me using a ring of his that I unfortunately got lost (I'm not sure if it's on my myspace or not, but I was PISSED for a week straight, if not longer, about losing that!)....the one I really feel like I'm in love with, the one I said yes to when he proposed to me...the one I wrote the letter to...he was there.
He read my letter before I left, too...like, a couple hours before...and, I have to say that I admitted to a lot in that letter. I mean, we had done a L O T together, and if I'm not mistaken...by his responce to it, he remembers and still enjoys remembering what we had done. I didn't keep it all steamy, though...some of it was giving him respect for doing what he does and handling it all as well as he's letting on. Said about how I'd give almost anything to have him kiss my hand again, or kiss his cheek, or hug him even. He explained again, in less words and more friendly like I knew it already (because I did and still do) about how he's dealing with a lot still and went into more of what he's dealing with. I understood all of it and even voiced my opinion on some, which was the exact opinion he had...so he knows I'm on the same level he's on.
But the letter also mentioned how I think I'm wanting to tease him, too...and boy, did I ever. I saw some of the looks he was giving me...and if it were just the two of us...the house might have been rocking.
Anyway...
I'd keep fiddling with the ring, seeing as all it is is a band of white gold, smooth on every side...fiddled with it on my wedding ring finger, semi-close to my face. I took a silk tie that was just one untied piece and made a noose out of it, looping 7 times instead of 13 like I did with my mentor rope from college graduation. It's red...I thought it looked nice. The tie looked nice, too. I put it around my neck, let it dangle down over my chest, and let it be. The neat thing was, my shirt was a button up and the next button down from choking myself is positioned so that a little cleavage shows. Not too much, but some. And that silk tie hung right in the middle of that...it did cover the necklace, but I thought it was super hot. He knows how I like the whole idea of hands around my neck or a blade up to it or something that could choke me...I gets kinky like that. Shh.
So yeah, anyways...um...
Oh yeah...he tried telling me that this ring wasn't meant for me after I put it on and within 5 to 10 minutes, it sent out a huge, painful thump that felt like it cut my finger off. I took the ring off quick and exclaimed about it like "OW! SHYT that hurt!" He kept saying he was trying to warn me, but he never said anything. I let him hold it to see what was going on, and he said he was trying to take most of whatever that was in the ring...out of the ring. He gave it back and I put it on my middle finger...it did the same thing, only a lot weaker, but I still felt it. Then, I handed it to my girl friend, the one it was intended for...seeing as my guy was saying it was because the ring wasn't meant for me......she said she could clear it, so she took it and concentrated on it like he did, but in her own way. With her, I saw some energy flowing through her hand...like aura, per se. I told her I saw it flicker and she said it was her sending jolts of happy thoughts into the ring to banish the negative. She said that after she handed it back...it felt a lot better as soon as I touched it. But then, within about 10 minutes, it very lightly thumped again....like so light, it only felt like my finger was twitching...so I handed it back and she finished the deed.
We both mentioned how we think my guy doesn't realize how powerful she is. I mean, he's asking her to teach him...which should mean he does realize that...but oh well.
I don't even really realize I have it on, half the time.
OH!
My half-deaf friend, this guy who's like a brother to me...he mentioned sometime later that this ring would be perfect to propose to me with.
The dope actually SAID that out LOUD!
My girl friend didn't catch that, and my guy was all too quick to make sure she never did.
I'm not sure if that was the best thing to do or not.
Maybe he's thought about it since...not sure.
I thought about my girl friend asking for the ring back, then my guy giving it back to me on one knee. Boy, I've thought about that.
That would be so damn romantic.
^_^ Ahh....

Hopefully it's not only in my dreams...heh.

LOADS to update on!

Well...for one thing, the possibility of "my guy" and my friend doing anything together, seeing as they are living together...it's lessened, but it isn't completely gone. Mind you, I'm not the jealous type, nor am I quick to judge a scenario like this...but this kinda shyt has happened to me before, so of course I'm gonna get paranoid about it!

Off of that part of the subject, though...man, where do I begin. I can't believe how much has happened since my last post!

For starters, he says that the temptation with my friend isn't there anymore....OOH even further back than that...some time after finding out that he's moved in closer to me, I found out that he actually broke up with me. I thought we'd just backed up, not broken up! You know, like a pause, or like...lighten up in the relationship, calm down a little. I didn't expect us to be separated already! We JUST got engaged! He'd JUST proposed to me!
I honestly don't know how I keep my composure in some situations....but anyway...
We went to this party on the Saturday before the full moon this month, my friend and my guy and I did...well, I know that all he said to me at this party is true because he was getting himself drunk and things were just spilling out. He told me the reason for the breakup was that same vision he saw in the dream...but he elaborated on that. FINALLY! I had no clue what was going on or anything until that Saturday. He said that, in this vision in this dream, he was not the one for me. He said he saw me getting married to someone else. I severely disagree with his dream. And, to elaborate on what that whole thing was about my paranoia with him living in the same appartment as my friend...he told me that night that when he first saw my friend, he saw wedding bells. He said he sees them with me, and would rather be with me, but he wanted to try all possibilities. He asked me what I would do if he tried to be with my friend, and I said that was a tough decision. Then he asked me how I would feel, and I said that of course I would be hurt because that's a good friend of mine and something like that has happened before, but that's all I knew at the moment.
Let's see...he said he didn't want to hurt me and that saying he wanted to break up with me was difficult, so that's why he worded it the way he did. I told him that I wanted to call him the next night (the night after that potluck stuff when he started all this) and he said he wanted to call me. I mean, I warned him that the signal over there at that potluck was bad, and I told him later that we should have talked when we could actually hear eachother. That would have saved a lot of pain and stuff. When I told him at the full moon party that I was tired of crying over guys (which I am) and that I did cry a bit with all this confusion and shyt, he looked hurt. I was kinda glad that he did, maybe he will realize just what my heart is going through. I mean, I know that he's going through a lot and that that's the reason he did it, but really. He said he really needed friends more than anything right now...but someone please tell me, wouldn't one special more-than-a-friend who WANTS to be there for you and WANTS to help you through some tough times more than anyone...be wanted more than just a friend? If it was me, I would have just said "Baby, I love ya, but I really think we should lighten up in the relationship a tad...I'm going through a lot and I need to think some, evaluate some things..." I mean, I thought that's what he was saying, you know?

-Le sigh...-

I'm sure there's more I need to add, but right now I can't even think about every detail we went over at that party, or since. I'm sure he thinks we're in agreement that he just needs a good friend and all...but I'm working on teasing the phuck out of him until he takes me back. I told him at that party that I really was loving the idea of a future with him. He already knows that I wouldn't mind having his baby if it ever came to that. I'm guessing he didn't exactly come to grips with the fact that when I love, I love fierce. I'm not in it for a game, I'm in it to win it....I want a long-term relationship. I'm done playing games with these other guys who only want sex or someone to show off. I don't want that anymore. I want someone to really BE with. As Susan Sarrandon (sp?) said in Shall We Dance, a witness to my life. There are a billion people on this planet, what does one life really mean?
I thought I had found the rest of my life's witness.
Hopefully, I have. I really don't want to lose this one.

Oh, I also told him that I hope he doesn't expect me to lie down and take some bullshit game like some of his exes had. My heart is tired of being toyed with. I told him earlier in the relationship that he had somehow managed to find all the little shattered pieces of my broken heart and healed it up, and now it's his. I wasn't playing around at all...I was dead serious.
I don't know if you think this is childish or highschoolish but I wrote him a letter last night before I went to bed. I was kinda inebriated and something was telling me to write these things down. I mentioned about the night before how we were at their apartment and after passing around some Cheetos, I was kinda looking at him while sucking the cheesy goodness off my fingers. We were all kinda drunk and stuff so I didn't give a shyt....I noticed him noticing me, too, and I still didn't care. I was looking right at him with those phuck-me eyes of mine (even though I didn't notice at the time that I was giving him THAT look) and sucking on my fingers, one at a time, paying special attention to each. When he noticed me, he stared at me for a second with that same thought...and I mentioned that in the letter. I mentioned a lot in that letter. I'm gonna give it to him tonight with the pre-warning that he should read it at some point when either my girl friend is asleep or when he's stolen a few moments away by himself. I went and threw in a few song lyrics too, because one song that was huge with us when we started seriously falling for each other (thanks to that like-a-brother friend of mine) started playing while I was writing to him. That was irony at its best in my eyes...

So yeah. Hopefully, after he reads this, he will realize how seriously in love with him I was -- and still am -- and how badly I want to at least hug him, hold his hand, even kiss his cheek. I mean, I told that brother/friend of mine that, and I said this in the letter, I would do almost anything to have my guy even kiss my hand again. Some sort of affection other than his simple looks, which still manage to make me melt.

OH! He also said the other night that...well, let me give you a smidgen of backstory for this.
The guy who took my virginity is a douche. He likes to make random appearances back into my life after randomly dissapearing, you know.
Well, he came over the other night, and so did my guy, my girl friend, and my brother/friend. My girl friend was low on gas and my guy was asking me how much gas my car has. Even though I can't really drive it, it has about a full tank of gas...and it's because I can't really drive it, that I openly offered my car's tank for cyphoning. We cut off a solid piece of already half way mauled garden hose for the job and I went and found a 2-liter bottle because we couldn't find a gas can. Well...ultimately, the tank was un-cyphonable, so we gave up and I gave them some emergency cash. At the moment, I had walked from the road to the house and back and then up to my room and back about a dozen times, so I was standing on the porch leaning against the railing when my guy came up to hand me the hose, bottle, and garden shears (used to cut the hose). While handing them to me, he was explaining: Here's the bottle, here's the hose...and if HE puts a finger -- or anything else -- on you, this is for him. Then, he promptly opened and closed the shears to make a point. I knew exactly what my guy meant. He also said it in that voice that makes me quivver just thinking about it.

Why do I have to be tortured so!?

I can't phucking take this waiting game anymore! This is why I wrote the letter! I really hope it doesn't complicate things any more than they already are. Just like the text I sent him that said that basically my lips are burning for his. He agreed to that text and said he knows how I feel.
I dunno bout all that, now.
I feel pretty cruddy, to be honest.
I feel like he, after healing my heart, broke it in half and stole the bigger half.
That's exactly how I feel....even though I feel completely heartless.....I think his half was 3/4s of my heart, to be honest.

I don't know what to think anymore. I just hope that he reads it tonight and calls me if he wants to talk about it. I'm open to talk to him about anything.

THAT'S ANOTHER THING! He wants friends more than anything. I want to support him and be with him more than anything. I want my fiance back.
Which reminds me, when I told my girl friend (shortly after my guy moved in) that we had actually gotten engaged before his breaking up with me (which SHE told me he broke up with me before I got those words from him), she was in near silent shock. She was all "Oh.......I didn't know that...." and that made me think....did he ask her out? Did he ask her to do anything with him? Is he unloading blue balls in or on her at this very moment? (Well, okay, not that moment because she was taking me home and he was staying behind at her apartment with her sleeping 4-year-old daughter.) She was saying that "backing up" as I heard it from him was "not what he told her" and that he told her something different. I couldn't get it out of her. I asked her if his breaking up with me was all he said to her and she didn't answer. I asked her if he said anything else to her about the two of them and she said "I don't know." I told her that was a load of bullshit, that she would know if he did. That's ALL I GOT, though.
Wouldn't you think something was going on between the two of them with that information?
I know I sure did.
But just recently, he told me that his temptation for her was gone.
I don't know whether I believe that or not.

He KNOWS about the situation I went through with my first fiance going behind my back with my best friend at the time. He knows this, I told him about it to his face! I swear to everything of a higher power that if this is happening to me again, someone other than me will get severely hurt. I will decapitate the both of them and keep their eyes in jars like See No Evil. I say that because HIS eyes are absophuckinlutely GORGEOUS! HER eyes have purdy power rings in them. They're both lovely.

ANYWAY I'm gonna end this here and now before I go even crazier with it.

Surprise!

OMG I'm SO EXCITED!

I guess the waiting paid off already........well, let me give you a little background story real quick.
I texted my buddy, that good friend almost like a brother I mentioned before...had to text cuz he's hard of hearing and it's easier for both of us that way...basically I find out that he's at my soul sister's apartment with her friend, whom I've met before. I asked if they had room for one more, and he says yes and comes to get me. When I get there...I see a familiar and very sexy face smiling at me. It's my guy!
My stupid self wasn't all there at that time, so I didn't do what I wanted to do. I just acted like it was a good surprise, which it was, and commenced with the hanging out and chattering. We didn't really touch base on anything, honestly I was just happy to see him. I wanted to rush into his arms and kiss him...I wanted so badly to kiss him, all night that's half of what I was thinking was something along the lines of "Good God, I want his lips on mine SO BADLY." Unfortunately, I didn't. He said he wanted to back up from the relationship n shyt so I backed up and acted as if we were just really good friends. It felt like we had gone back to day one, except for the fact that I already know him. Relationship-wise, it felt like we went back to day one. Then I find out he's staying there!

I must have done something extremely good while growing up, because karma blessed me with my guy. Honestly, the only way he could hurt me now is if he sleeps with my friend. In that case, I'll be singing Another Love Song to him. (Juggalos will know what I mean, but if you don't, then look it up. ICP - Another Love Song)

I did find out that he still loves me, though. He got a little stuffed kitty and at first named it Muffin. Well, this good friend like a brother of mine had given me his Sobe cap the night before. It said "SCORCH MUFFIN" on it, so I kept it. I told my guy that, and he declaired that Scorch Muffin is to be the kitty's name, and retrieved a marker to write it on the cat's tab (the one most all stuffed animals have by their butts...I have some stuffies of my own and I tagged all their names on their tags so as to not forget it later on...and he likes that idea so he started doing it, too). Well, he gave me the kitty to write the name on the tag, and I see on the kitty's ear, the tag that most people look at that says what kind of toy it is and who it's from and all that...his ex gave him the kitty. After I tagged kitty's name on the butt tag, he took off the other tags and said something along the lines of "there, that's better."
As minor as that may seem, it's the little things that really count, and that made me feel loads better. Of course, I could still see in his eyes that he loves me and what not, so I'm okay.

At least I know this isn't a suicide mission on his behalf.

I'm super excited, now! We can actually be together without worrying about his ex hanging over his shoulder! He was living with her in her roach-infested apartment. I don't know if he's out of his ex's place for good, but I know he's not there right now. That's some encouragement if there ever was any.

I shouldn't listen to doubts. Ever. No one should. You know that quote, "Expect the worst so you will never be dissapointed." Well...I know it works, but it's not worth it if what you expect will stress you out and stuff.

OH WELL! It's a splendoriffic surprise and the next time I see my guy, I'm kissing him. I don't know if I can see him again without kissing him. I think that was like, the only time I've seen him without at least hugging him...I mean, the first time we met, we made out...then didn't see eachother for like three years, almost. Even then, the next time we met, he was with his ex saying they were married n shyt...well, ok, she said they were, he denied it literally right behind her back...whatever, ya know? I didn't pay that much attention to it then. But the last time we met before going out...that was the day my life changed.

I know it sounds all romantico and novel-or-movie-esque...but that's how my life has felt since he walked in it. Well, okay, since he peeked around into it. We worked at a haunted house together. It had a huge clowny aspect to it, the haunted house did, and I'll be damned if the finest clown I've ever seen didn't waltz around the corner from the room before mine and start hittin' on me. I'll be even more damned if I didn't hit on him back, cuz ddaaaammmmnnnn man.

If you knew....if only you knew...I know he knows...I tell him as much as I possibly can.

What to think?

I just found out earlier this morning, like, before dawn, that one of my really good good friends who's practically like a brother to me...he talked to my guy yesterday. All I got from him was that my guy asked him something personal, like guy stuff or whatever, and my friend promised him that he wouldn't say anything to me about it. I wasn't trying to get anything out of my friend, he just randomly yells (pretty much literally) random thoughts whenever they come around...and he thought of my guy...so he told me they talked about guy stuff and that's all he told me. Well...he did also tell me that my guy still loves me, so that's a good thing. I told my friend that I love my guy too, and "as long as he doesn't end up damaging himself, I'm okay." Then I asked him if he thinks my guy could possibly end up damaging himself with whatever he's doing, and my friend says "I can't say. If he kills himself, that's him." When I tell him that's not cool, he says "Oh, don't worry about him."

Yeah. The man you want to marry might kill himself, but don't worry about him. It's okay.

Not what I needed to hear, you know? I mean, I know he gets into a lot of shyt, but seriously. You had to go and mention the possibility of losing him?

I'm surprised I didn't start crying with the thought of losing my guy when my friend said all that. Seriously. Not cool at all. I'm already having to look for a job (still...again...whatever...), find out wtf is wrong with my car (long story, I think it might be in my Myspace blog...), worry about my mother because either a) she's becoming senile, which I don't believe but it's possible, b) the medicine she takes for her degenerative disc disease deal in her neck is killing away her memories, which it says is possible on the lable, or c) something else is going on in her head that's driving her crazy and she's not fessing up to it, but either way it's driving ME crazy...and now I have to worry about the man I really would love to marry going off and killing himself. Now...I knew pretty much when I met him that he gets into some deep shyt sometimes...but I never thought I'd have to sit back on the fvcking sidelines and wait while he possibly ends up dying somehow. I know the only way I would find out is through either his ex or one of like three mutual friends of ours...most likely his ex. I would HATE to find out through her of all people. Talk about driving someone insane! I would end up telling her a LOT more than she needed to know, and she would either kill herself or try to kill me, I'm not sure. I know the least that would happen is she would never speak to me again, which really...I wouldn't mind too much. I would still find a way to RP with her, though...even if only to see how she is.

Speaking of RP...I reeeeeeeally need to. I know I'm not on my RP name while I type this, but I will be when I'm done with this. I might also make another blog for my characters. Heh, I already thought about that before I started this post. :oP

BLAH ON YOU! That's pretty much the color of my brain barf recently...the color of disgruntled love, as I see it. Only disgruntled because I feel super awkward sitting on the sidelines playing the waiting game with myself.

I hope this all ends well...

Opposite Sex

It's where a drag queen and a drag king get together and do the omega boogie!

HAAA I kid, I kid...

I don't understand guys anymore. I thought I kinda had an idea...

This thing with my man...it's just roiling behind my face...if I have to play this waiting game much longer, I think I'll explode!

I don't know what to think anymore. I talked to a guy friend of mine about it (we're extremely open in conversation, I love it) and he suggested that I not wait, just sit him down and talk it out. I told him that I'd already had a game plan in mind: I'll either a) wait for him to come back and talk until I can't stand it anymore (which will probably be about a week) and then start the talking, or b) just cork it and wait for him to come back and start talking. The way he does, he usually lets me in on what's going on. Mainly, the thing that gets me is the timing of him telling me we should pause it for a bit. I mean, I told him before I left that I was going to the potluck night, and that it's out in the middle of nowhere roughly an hour away from where I live, and it's on the side of a mountain with little to no reception. He knew all of this, yet he still neglects to tell me when a proper listening signal is available (meaning on the land line at my house).

My guy friend also suggested that maybe it's the fact that he was trying to interpret his own dreams, and seeing as he is always expecting the worst, perhaps his own pessimism will bite him in the ass and that would be the bad ending that he saw coming. I'm glad I have some intelligent friends...just wish we all lived closer.

I don't know, I just fixed my AOL profile and, seeing as I was already typing away, decided I want to get a little more off of my chest.

-sigh-

Anyone want to role play?
freewebs.com/jynx-da-ninjette
That's my RP name...well, that URL isn't my RP name, it leads you to it...look, if you RP, just trust me and check it out, ok?
I just...REALLY want to get out of my own head fairly soon. I want to let my subconscious work on this shyt so I don't stress myself out too much. One of the only ways I can think of to do that constructively is to write...but if I'm just spilling brain barf all over, it doesn't really help...so I need someone else to be for a while and another person to play with this someone else I submerge myself into. I have plenty of characters to play...I just need a playmate.

I can't think about either of my books too well right now...or else I would totally work on them. I can't really draw what I need to draw right now, either.

I feel like I'm a mess. I kinda look like a mess, to be honest. I'm gonna go lay down if no one will play with me.

Hopefully Not Me

I've been in this relationship since January, right? I'm really feeling good about him, digging him in every way possible I think...and suddenly one day after I offered him to come with me and 2 friends to a potluck night out in the middle of nowhere on the side of a mountain...well, the fact that he declined didn't bother me because he got sick...the fact that he tried calling me and texting me after we passed into the dead zones or whatever (phuck you Verizon) after I told him where we were going and he knew about the bad reception out there but still had something serious on his mind, well that kind of bugged me. He told me he had a "war in his head" and that everything going on is a bit overwhelming (I can understand that, been there...), and that he had some visions the night before in a dream and from what he could decipher from it, it wouldn't end pretty at all. He said he's actually kind of saving me from whatever might be waiting for him at the end of the figurative tunnel he will be running down to find out what the hell is up with his visions and all that. He said he was not breaking up with me, just backing up from me for a little while so he can get everything situated (and that I can understand, too...breaking up and backing up are two different things). He also said something about how he needs/wants to hang with his friends a little more to help.......? Up until that, I wasn't feeling too bad. I mean, if you can't bring your girl around your friends, what's the phucking point in having a girl or friends? I kinda WANT to hang with his friends, you know? His ex told me pretty much the same thing, how he would want to be around most if not all of her friends, but she couldn't hang around many if not any of his.

You think I like that situation?
Think again. I don't want to be a trophy wife for ANYone. I don't want to be the girl you keep on a teather at home in fear of her getting taken by some other man. I don't want to be the woman on his arm who does nothing but the domestic housewife bullshyt. I mean, I WILL do the domestic housewife shyt, I WILL stay at home on a teather (the thought is kinda hot, actually), I WILL perform the role of a trophy wife...but not permanently. Hell no. Permanently, I'd much rather be myself, thanks. I've worked for 23 years so far, building myself up to be the goofy phucktard that I am...I don't need the thought of having to please my man every second of every day without pleasing myself at all, to wreck and/or ruin me.
Up until now, I thought he was happy with who I am. I don't know if it's just me or not, but suddenly I don't feel so comfortable in the thought that he's comfy with me.

IF there is anything wrong with me, I really wish someone would tell me. I mean, does he think I'm trying to keep him to myself when we come back to my place 4 out of 5 times we hang out? That's only because I don't know too many places to hang out. If he'd suggest any, I would be totally down to chill somewhere else. All one has to do is speak up. I don't know you want to hang out at your boy's house if you don't tell me at some point!

My mind is just reeling with all this shyt that literally came out of the blue at me. Sunday evening...this past Sunday...the last day of May in 2009...2 days ago...that was the potluck night, the night I had to walk up a treacherous driveway to get any signal so I could hear who I believe to be the love of my life if not damn close to it, telling me that he wants to pause the relationship. If this would have been 5 to 10 years ago, I would have been a wreck! But...I guess I've learned from past situations extremely similar to this one. Of course it hurts me to hear him say he wants a break from the relationship, but it isn't gobbling up my world or anything. I'm still here, whole, and as healthy as I can be. As long as he doesn't hurt himself or come to any serious harm or die or anything like that, I'll be okay.

Is it like I feared before? Is it the fact that I'm older than he is? That whole maturity gap there? I really believe he is super mature for his age when the time for maturity comes around. What I don't understand, though, is why. He never really cleared that up too much...he just said he had to take a break due to everything that's going on and his dream visions.
Now, I am one to believe in dreams carrying visions for the dreamer from personal experiences. I understand the feeling of fear for anyone close due to any given situation. I understand if he thinks something will come around that may possibly harm anyone he is close to, therefore needing the break to save me from all that. I don't understand why he thinks he can't include me in some things, though. I mean, I do know the need for privacy, but what if I actually WANT to help? Sure, it's flattering, him wanting to keep me safe and all, him being the man and me being the woman of the relationship...but I'm not as fragile as some would think. I was born in the year of the ox and almost everything about me is proof of that fact. I am a girthy woman, strong, healthy as I can be...
Is there something I'm missing?
Something I should be doing differently, or should not be doing at all?

I hate being left clueless.

Anyone have any thoughts? Even if you don't, leave me a comment PLEASE...!