Hopefully Not Me

I've been in this relationship since January, right? I'm really feeling good about him, digging him in every way possible I think...and suddenly one day after I offered him to come with me and 2 friends to a potluck night out in the middle of nowhere on the side of a mountain...well, the fact that he declined didn't bother me because he got sick...the fact that he tried calling me and texting me after we passed into the dead zones or whatever (phuck you Verizon) after I told him where we were going and he knew about the bad reception out there but still had something serious on his mind, well that kind of bugged me. He told me he had a "war in his head" and that everything going on is a bit overwhelming (I can understand that, been there...), and that he had some visions the night before in a dream and from what he could decipher from it, it wouldn't end pretty at all. He said he's actually kind of saving me from whatever might be waiting for him at the end of the figurative tunnel he will be running down to find out what the hell is up with his visions and all that. He said he was not breaking up with me, just backing up from me for a little while so he can get everything situated (and that I can understand, too...breaking up and backing up are two different things). He also said something about how he needs/wants to hang with his friends a little more to help.......? Up until that, I wasn't feeling too bad. I mean, if you can't bring your girl around your friends, what's the phucking point in having a girl or friends? I kinda WANT to hang with his friends, you know? His ex told me pretty much the same thing, how he would want to be around most if not all of her friends, but she couldn't hang around many if not any of his.

You think I like that situation?
Think again. I don't want to be a trophy wife for ANYone. I don't want to be the girl you keep on a teather at home in fear of her getting taken by some other man. I don't want to be the woman on his arm who does nothing but the domestic housewife bullshyt. I mean, I WILL do the domestic housewife shyt, I WILL stay at home on a teather (the thought is kinda hot, actually), I WILL perform the role of a trophy wife...but not permanently. Hell no. Permanently, I'd much rather be myself, thanks. I've worked for 23 years so far, building myself up to be the goofy phucktard that I am...I don't need the thought of having to please my man every second of every day without pleasing myself at all, to wreck and/or ruin me.
Up until now, I thought he was happy with who I am. I don't know if it's just me or not, but suddenly I don't feel so comfortable in the thought that he's comfy with me.

IF there is anything wrong with me, I really wish someone would tell me. I mean, does he think I'm trying to keep him to myself when we come back to my place 4 out of 5 times we hang out? That's only because I don't know too many places to hang out. If he'd suggest any, I would be totally down to chill somewhere else. All one has to do is speak up. I don't know you want to hang out at your boy's house if you don't tell me at some point!

My mind is just reeling with all this shyt that literally came out of the blue at me. Sunday evening...this past Sunday...the last day of May in 2009...2 days ago...that was the potluck night, the night I had to walk up a treacherous driveway to get any signal so I could hear who I believe to be the love of my life if not damn close to it, telling me that he wants to pause the relationship. If this would have been 5 to 10 years ago, I would have been a wreck! But...I guess I've learned from past situations extremely similar to this one. Of course it hurts me to hear him say he wants a break from the relationship, but it isn't gobbling up my world or anything. I'm still here, whole, and as healthy as I can be. As long as he doesn't hurt himself or come to any serious harm or die or anything like that, I'll be okay.

Is it like I feared before? Is it the fact that I'm older than he is? That whole maturity gap there? I really believe he is super mature for his age when the time for maturity comes around. What I don't understand, though, is why. He never really cleared that up too much...he just said he had to take a break due to everything that's going on and his dream visions.
Now, I am one to believe in dreams carrying visions for the dreamer from personal experiences. I understand the feeling of fear for anyone close due to any given situation. I understand if he thinks something will come around that may possibly harm anyone he is close to, therefore needing the break to save me from all that. I don't understand why he thinks he can't include me in some things, though. I mean, I do know the need for privacy, but what if I actually WANT to help? Sure, it's flattering, him wanting to keep me safe and all, him being the man and me being the woman of the relationship...but I'm not as fragile as some would think. I was born in the year of the ox and almost everything about me is proof of that fact. I am a girthy woman, strong, healthy as I can be...
Is there something I'm missing?
Something I should be doing differently, or should not be doing at all?

I hate being left clueless.

Anyone have any thoughts? Even if you don't, leave me a comment PLEASE...!