Maaaaannnn....heh....

Talk about a major update. Where do I begin?

Oh, wait...I don't need to begin anywhere. He broke up with her! My guy broke up with my girl friend. Honestly...I don't know if I wanna stay friends with her.

According to him, she's talked shyt about me behind my back. According to me, I lost TONS of respect for her when she got together with him.
I also kinda lost a little bit for him...even though it didn't seem like it here. Just the fact that he thinks he needs to be with whoever he's staying with.
I asked him if he's ever heard of a room-mate without the mating part. You know, a roomie? Something like "Hey, I'm happy with who I'm with right now, I just need a place to stay. Can you help me out? I know you're her friend and all, and I'm really happy with her, I just need somewhere to stay for a while."
I asked him if he'd thought about that and he had no answer. NOTHING to say to it...well, he did say "Yeah, I understand..."
He said that a lot. Like one time when I said how much I hated seeing him with what was my best friend, he said he understands. I said "No, I don't think you do. Picture me getting with your best buddy and hanging all over him in front of you." THEN he understood....when the feeling is made personal.

Don't get me wrong, everyone thinks we're a cute couple, even people we'd never seen before, strangers in our eyes, think we're a cute couple or that we should be together or whatever. My own sister said she never thought we'd break up. I told her almost everything that happened with the break-up and all that, and she said she lost respect for him, too (she never liked the girl, though), but she gained back most of it when he broke up with the girl.
To be honest...I was there to pick my guy up from where he was and helped him move out of the girl's place. xD
Unfortunately, that leaves him moving back in with the ex he lived with when we went out. He pretends to like her, too.

I know some of you reading this now might have just said "Oh, shyt, dude's a playboy, girl. He's only out to play with womens' emotions, play with what he has to his advantage, and when something better comes along, he's gonna play that shyt out, too!" Or, at least, something like that. To be truthful, he's not. My sister is really good on pegging and marrying good couples. She got at least 4 couples I can think of together, and at least 1 or 2 of them are with child. She said we should get back together.
My mom hasn't liked 99.999999999999999999999999% of my boyfriends, and she actually liked this one.

I don't know. But I do know I still have strong feelings for him.
He said he ran some tests on me and I passed them all with flying colors.
Now it's my turn to test him.
I want -- no, need -- to know whether or not he's really capable of being really true and loyal to one woman. I mean, I know he doesn't do anything with the girl he's staying with. They both tell me this.

Heh. And, that sick and twisted pleasure I got from being between my guy and that girl friend...yeah. That's grown by like 20 times it's own size since I first recognized it...and that was when they started going out. Now it's huuuuuuuuuuuuge, and fun! We get to both torture her for what she's done to the both of us. Really, he opened the door to that hell house, but whatever. He gets to give her hell for treating him like scum and making him feel low and shyt, and I get to give her hell for treating him like scum and ignoring my simplest of wishes to NOT SEE THEM ALL OVER EACH OTHER IN FRONT OF ME! Not to mention the fact that she forced him to move too fast with her (they were "engaged" and planning a "hand-fasting" aka wiccan wedding ritual within the first month of living together) and was a hypocrite the entire time (saying she didn't want to do something one minute then turning around and inviting people over to do that very activity the next minute, and saying she wanted some alone time before inviting people over).

I could go on and on about the shyt that happened...it's okay, though. Me and my guy got together 3 times while he was "with" her...because (and I'm sorry if this is TMI for some of you, but...) she couldn't get him off like I can. She did absolutely NOTHING for her in the sexual arena. She was trying to play, but she was off in the stands somewhere trying to fight while I'm right next to him on the main floor battling it out.
I thought that was the best little tidbit of news from their relationship.
She even told him one time after trying and failing, that "[he] should probably get someone who can make [him] cum."
Bwaahahahahahaahaahaahaahaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway. I'm gonna end this here before I go on any further...because I only had 2 solid hours of sleep yesterday, then no more than maybe 30 minutes at a time after that. I stayed awake a loooottttt. SHE's actually the reason I got woken up from my solid slumber. She called me around 7:30ish AM after she woke up, and I hadn't gotten to bed until 5-something AM. It didn't really hit me until about 5-something AM (which is about 4 hours ago as I type this)...so I'm sorry if no one really followed this blog too well.

Sorry! ^_^

How much longer?

I don't even know! I do know that Independence Day SUCKED! Well, it was okay up until the tornado watch...you know, where they actually at least saw a tornado. Just before the finale! Man...it started raining all hard and stuff, it was SO FUN watching the fireworks in the rain...up until the tornado watch.

In other news, my guy and I are kinda getting closer, but I don't know how much longer I can take this game of his. I asked him just Saturday if he'd ever heard of room mates without the mating part...like roomies...and I said I couldn't grasp why he thinks he needs to be WITH the person he stays with.
He had no answer for anything on that subject.
He was feuding with my girl friend all that day, though. Back and forth between arguing and cuddling. I swear if she doesn't get her shyt together and figure out whether or not she wants to be with him, I'm gonna make that decision for her the way she made it for me...even though I'm extremely unhappy with that...she can bite me if she's unhappy with it.

She should stop trying to punish me for what her friend did, taking her husband away from her.

I don't know how much longer I can handle this. Seeing them together, cuddling and shyt, it's driving me NUTS! I told him that Saturday, too. He said welcome to his world. HA! Phuck your world, baby, I'm crumbling inside AND out...he's just crumbling inside.
I'm guessing that, according to his game, he has to maintain a strong exterior to keep the illusion that he loves her. He fessed up a few times Saturday that he loves me...and one time even said he's still "in love" with me....not just he loves me, he's in love with me still. I'll tell ya, he surprized me at one point with a peck that knocked me for a loop. Man. Heh, then I surprized him with a more sensuous "peck" to the ear and neck...the way I used to make him melt. He called me evil for it and I said "You're evil, can I not have a little fun, too?" Bwahahaha...

If he wants a game...game on...I can play...I just don't know if I can compete....with him, that is. Maybe I don't want to compete. I don't know. I just know I want HER to PHUCK OFF and give me my man back. I never stopped loving him, I never climbed out of the love I fell in for him, and I don't think I can ever stop loving him. I honestly think he is the one for me...she's just in the way right now.
I guess all the conflict we didn't have in the first four months is coming back on us...because this is a HUGE hurdle to jump.
I mean...I know he loves me, he tells me all the time, and he does have a point when he asked me how often we see each other now and how far away we are from each other. When we were actually together, he lived all the way across town and we'd see each other like 5 or 6 times a week....now he lives right around the corner and we see each other every day. The seeing each other every day is partially due to me being so insistant on coming over or hanging out with them now. I didn't hang out with my girl friend this much before or even while going out with him. Now that SHE's with him, I'm insisting on being there every day. Yes, I'm only going over there and hanging with them for him. I will deny it up and down and diagonal and sideways to her, but he knows. She has an inkling, too...I'm pretty sure that he told her about that when they were arguing Saturday morning, because that afternoon she brought it up. Whatever.
Despite all that, I have to trust him. He asked me to that night...I do trust him, I just don't know the rules to his game. I love him too much to not trust him. He just has to realize that it will tear me up from time to time, and I might get a little cranky about it, or depressed, or some shyt, but I still trust him deep down. As long as I love him, I will trust him. That might be one part of what's killing me. Having to trust him, and having to watch her get all over him like they were the best lovers in the world. Truth is, she can't get him off...unless he thinks of me.
Heh...there's that sick and twisted and near sadistic pleasure I get from being between them. She might not think I am, he might only half way realize that I am, but I know I am. He doesn't love her. She thinks she loves him, too, but she will never love him like I do. Just because she gives him a place to stay doesn't mean shyt in this case.

She also has NO clue what she's doing in the relationship. She admitted it right in front of me. She said she's not perfect, she doesn't know what she's doing, she needs help, all that shyt. I think she needs to break off every intimate relationship she has with ANYONE and get some therapy to help her in that ball park...because she needs it. Therapy, counseling, head shrinking, something like that. Then, she can re-evaluate what she wants to do.
I honestly think the father of the baby in her belly should come back...I think they should be together. I know my guy said he would say he's the father if anyone asks, but he doesn't want to. Anyone who knows the two of them will know that this baby is NOT my guy's baby.

He's just painting himself into another corner like he did with his last room mate slash ex girlfriend. She was the exact same way. She had two kids, the latest of which she claimed was his...and it's not. Many many pieces of evidence pointed to another man, not my guy, including the chick yelling out the real father's name during birth.
In those moments, no lie can be uttered by the birthing mother.
He's just setting himself up for more disaster. He doesn't see it. He sees it as a sacrifice he has to make to be closer to me. I told him I'm sacrificing, too. He asked what I meant and I told him that I can't show the affection I want to show because of her...I can't do what I want to because of her...and that's a huge sacrifice with me in this regard. I want to hug him, hold his hand, kiss him, wherever the feeling arises...and I can't because of her. She's my phucking BEST FRIEND and I can't do what I want to and fully be myself around her, because she stole my phucking man. She doesn't even know him, really. I know him more than she does, and I will always know him more than she does unless she actually uses the brain she brags about having to figure him out. I know more of what he likes than she does. I was with him for about 4 1/2 months solid. She's only been with him for around 2 months now.

I'm already sick of this game, even from just thinking about it. I'm gonna go play a better game called somehow rip the heart out of a willing victim. ^_^

Man, oh man...

What the hell is wrong with this?!?
I know...

For starters...the other day, I believe it was Monday..."my guy" kissed me...three times...while my girl friend (his girlfriend) was still at work. I was babysitting for her, which I absolutely don't mind to do because her daughter is a joy to be with and even moreso to watch!
But man, the first one was a bit of a shock. I saw it coming about 10 seconds before it happened. We were outside smoking a cancer stick and he brings up the fact that, while I'm there, all he wants to do is jump my bones, kiss me, hug me, hold me, hold my hand, some kind of physical contact. Then he looks around and kinda side-steps behind the corner of the breezeway at their apartment...and says how he loves side-stepping. I smile and he says it again, putting emphasis on side-stepping...I'm like "hint hint!" and side-step myself, then he peeks around for show and leans in to kiss me....it lingered, it was sweet, like we'd never done it before...ahh...
The second time, I believe we were inside...a dream is mentioned, then a connection gone wrong in his head happened, and he stood up to walk past me. I thought he was just gonna walk past me, mentioning how he's compelled to save these females that come up to him asking for assistance in what-the-phuck-ever they talk about...he stops in front of me, takes the back of my neck, and meets me half way in a kiss that nearly blew me away...when he pulls back he says something about how he only wants to save me...in that voice that makes me meelllttt.....
The third time...we were back outside, and I'd ducked back in that little corner between railing and door, behind the corner of that breezeway...hell, it's comfortable. He looks around all dramatically for show, says something I can't quite remember because that last kiss was sssoooo dreamyyy....

I've fallen HARD for this man.
I can't climb back up...frankly I don't want to...
The ONLY thing is that he's still with my girl friend! Oy vey!

Am I crazy or stupid or vulnerable or anything like that for still loving him? I didn't do anything to deserve the break up, and he knows this. He KEEPS bringing up how he can't stand the fact that he even did it to begin with...
How he realizes he made the biggest mistake he's made in a lloooonngg time...
I think it's flattering. I'm wearing him down, big time!

Friday, "my guy" and my girl friend and I went out to see her friend's band play at a local little venue...Saturday, we went to a night club inside a hotel here. I thought I looked nice Friday, and I did (I wore what I wore on the night "my guy" asked me out), but my girl friend outshined me as usual. Saturday, even though she outshined me again, I was still looking niiice. We both kinda had corsets on, even though mine was technically a line bra...and semi-see-thru...lacy...nice. I wore a see-thru shirt over it, but seeing as it was black-on-black, you couldn't really see anything. I had the top button of the shirt undone all night, but when we got back to their place (because that night club was dull as hell), I undid a second button. I was hot, man! Burning up, nearly sweaty...you know that nice little sheen of sweat that makes anyone glisten? Yeah, that. With the second button undone, it helped a little bit....you could also see the top of the line bra. I thought it was sexy...
Let's just say he complimented me that night. ;o)

I have more up my sleeve, by the way...
Hopefully I can go over there later today, like...when she's not there. See how well he can restrain himself with just me there, alone with him...
If he kissed me three times within like, an hour...heh...

Sorry, I'm feeling slightly vengeful against my girl friend for actually snagging my man, no matter how much they both thought they might be meant for each other...I don't care about that shyt...I just want him back.

He asked me yesterday why it's so easy to fall in love with him. Asked me why I fell in love with him. I told him first off that I fell in love with him back in 2005 when we worked together at the haunted house where we first met. I can tell he liked that answer because of the "aww"s I got. But my first reaction was ".......uhh heh....wow...." because it was a shock! The first thing he said to me on the phone was "I have a question..." I said "I might have an answer..." and he said "Why did you fall in love with me?" That was a complete shock. He said the question isn't against me, because all these females keep falling for him. He wanted to turn whatever it was off...he also said he didn't want to turn it off for me, just for everyone else.
My second reaction to that question was "Well, for starters, you're gorgeous!" Because...well...he is! But that's not entirely why I fell in love with him. That's just the first and most obvious reason that popped into my head. He's gorgeous. Next up is that he has an amazing sense of humor. Then, he's extremely easy to talk to, so outgoing, courteous and caring and respectful (to those who deserve it...if you're cool, ya know, easy going, not out for drama or anything)...so many reasons why I love him so much.
When we get back from eating, my mother and I, I'm gonna call/text him and see what's up for the day...see if I can't bop on over there for a while...

For now, though, I'm gonna end this before I make it too long.

Okay yeah, well...

I thought I had it.

Just when I get over the fact that I might not ever have him again, "my guy"....just when I accept the fact that he's dating my best friend, just like my very first fiance did to me behind my back...
Just when I think I'm over it...he tells me he doesn't want to be with her anymore...
He tells me...that he still loves me...
He tells me that he realizes the mistake he's made, and that he's "ending everything before anything else happens" before looking at me in a way to say that he wants to be with me again.
He tells me that he's tired of the situation he's in...and that he told me to keep wearing the necklace he gave me when we were going out for a reason....and all of this stuff to bring my hopes back up and all that...
SHE even tells me that she's tired of him always dirtying her place and everything she can find to nitpick at...
Then they get into what seemed like a little argument...she walks off...he comes and talks to me...says he's gonna go talk to her....then they go into the room in the back for about an hour...and come back all peachy keen!? Even cuddling a little??! Excuse the phuck out of me, but what happened to a moment earlier? Why are you calling him baby again and saying you're his girlfriend again? Stop the phucking yo-yo!!!!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FEEL ANYMORE!!!!!!!! I CAN'T HANDLE THIS!!!! If he wants to move back into his ex's place and go back to that shyt, you know....well, okay, you don't, but I do, and as much as I don't want to see him go through all of that bullshyt again...I know it would bring us together again.
My girl friend even said that she saw him breaking up with her and going back to me in the future...before the little argument and all that.

I guess the sex is worth putting up with all the bullshyt...and yeah I know they've humped...I asked her how it was and by her reaction, oh yeah, they have...

I don't know how much more of this bullshyt I can take. This is crazy! Madness, I tell you!!!

What the hell do I do now???

I actually cried a little bit over there. At first, while they were in the back room (I'm still not sure what exactly they did back there...), I grabbed my pen and a spiral notebook I'd just brought back to them...and started drawing the first thing that came to mind. It was pretty to begin with...then they came in and were all cool again and I didn't expect that...I definately didn't need to see them phuckin' cuddling n shyt! I propped that notebook in front of my face and tried to ignore it. That's when the tears started. They were just welled up in my eyes, and I tried to make them go away before he pulled the notebook away from my face. He gave another little hint about the first part of this blog, but then just reverted back to making her feel good or some shyt like that, I don't know why the hell he was doing it...well...I kinda do but still don't.
Anyway, after the cuddling, maybe they caught the hint and stopped getting SO close. He still had his hand on her thigh rubbing it n shyt. I had to go to the bathroom with that one. I really did have to pee, but before I did, I leaned over the sink for about 5 minutes, between having my head down on my arms and looking in the mirror asking myself various questions like "How much longer do I have to deal with this shyt?" and "How am I supposed to take this? I can't take this shyt!" and stuff like that.

Seriously...I don't know how much more I can take. He knows this. He better hurry the hell up before something goes incredibly seriously wrong.

And I'm tired right now. I usually don't go to sleep until at least daybreak. I went to sleep around about 6:30am yesterday...woke up at like 11:35am and started talking to the two bytchbirds.
Seriously, though. How could someone do that to their best friend?!? I mean, I was with this guy for around 4 1/2 months. I thought I moved fast, saying yes to a marriage proposal after 3 months...shyt. SHE wasn't even with him for ONE month and is "engaged" or, as he says, "gone crazy wanting the engagement...[he] never meant it like that" JUST LIKE HE SAID ABOUT MY "Promise Ring"!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, he got down on one knee and gave me a promise ring...yes that ring was a mean looking skull and crossbones with an army hat on...it was only a promise ring. It was adjustable, too, so it definately fit. But since I lost it (my bad, honestly...I've kicked myself for weeks over that and finally accepted that it's lost, it's probably in the trash on accident and I'm not searching in those huge land fills for it, especially NOW...), he says it's kinda my fault, how could I lose a ring he gave me, all that guilty game gab. Well, he said that two weeks ago...I believe it was two weeks ago, I don't think it was this past Friday...I don't know. Whatever. He said yesterday that he didn't mean to talk to me the way he did (like an old school, traditional college dean repremanding his student or something), that she was making him talk like that and almost put on a show...all that shyt.
I don't think so.

See, there are so many things now that tell me he's all wrong...but part of me will always love him and still does right now. This is why I'm going so damn NUTS!
AND SHE SHOULD KNOW THAT, BEING SO PHUCKING CLOSE TO OUR BREAK UP, I CAN'T PHUCKING HANDLE THE TWO OF THEM PHUCKING GETTING ALL CLOSE AND PERSONAL IN FRONT OF ME!!!!!!
Please don't tell me I'm crazy when it comes to that. I mean, it's been MAYBE a month since I found out we were broken up, THROUGH HER because he worded it wrong, and they are ALREADY phucking "engaged" and humping and saying baby and all that. RIGHT THE PHUCK IN FRONT OF ME!
Talk about salt in a freshly opened wound.
Geez. I tell them this constantly...this is one reason why I had almost gotten over the shyt before he brought up how he still likes me and all that....because THEY WOULDN'T STOP! Every time, I wanted to spit a blow dart at her face or something. SOMETHING to tell them to stop doing that shyt, I'm about to crumble here! LEMON JUICE, MAN! LEMON JUICE ON A FRESHLY CUT FINGER! Thanks.

I wrote him a little note, too. One page, not three front and back like last time. It basically said that if they got married, I'd go to the wedding because I love both of them, but I WILL be crying that day...and that I'm done loving what I can't freely love, and I'm tired of trying to love what I can't have...but I still don't think I can handle seeing them getting so close so soon, seeing them do what I can no longer do, thanks for the salt I'll dress my wounds right now.....that type of note. The truth, ya know?

I read it to HIM on the phone....SHE doesn't know about it unless he told her.

I gotta end this and get some sleep, man. I'm gonna call him around noon or so, see what's up with that shyt...ask what they talked about and if they did anything....then I'm asking her the same shyt and seeing what's up.
I can't condone my heart being toyed with anymore.

I guess I get it...

Okay, so everything about this entire thing with me and my guy...well...we got everything settled, to say the least.

My girl friend came over last night and picked me up after "my guy" and my brother-friend had a little battle through text messages.
Making a long story short, my brother-friend came over the night before to talk to me while I was a bit emotional, and then took it upon himself to "set 'my guy' straight on everything" which I did NOT ask him to do. The way he did it, he fucked everything up.

THEN, my girl friend tells me that "my guy" told her he never proposed to me. That was straightened out quick because that right there hurt me. He says it was because the ring he gave me meant something to him and he was hurt that I lost it, then asked me why would I have taken it off in the first place. I told him the truth, that we were looking for something in my brother-friend's car, and the size of the design on the ring had me constantly taking it off if I had to squeeze my hand in some tight spot, like between a car seat and the console between seats. I put it in my bra thinking it would be safe there, cuz nothing goes on in my bra that I don't know about. Well, somehow the ring slipped out without my noticing it. We all think it ended up in the trash, thanks to my brother-friend.

Well, my girl friend had told me on the phone that she's having feelings for this guy, and the guy told me a few times that he'd started having feelings for her. I don't know how much I like the idea of them getting together, much less seeing him doing to some other female some of the many things I loved about being with him, and I said that at the lake last night, where we went to talk this shyt out. What I got back was the guy asking me if I wanted to keep him from happiness. Of course I don't, but I thought he was happy with me...at least he told me he was.

I also told him after everything was straightened up as much as it could get, that with the way things were unclear before had me feeling like my heart was a play toy. He told me he didn't mean it to seem that way and he didn't want me to be hurt by any of this. He said that's why he went about it the way he did. Then I told him that honestly, I'm tired of sugar coating shyt and trying to spare someone's emotions for one's own. I said if he would have just come out with it instead of trying to dance around bushes, I probably would have understood a lot more of the story a lot quicker.

He also elabored a bit more on that little dream he had, and more that he's had since. He said that not only does he know a bit about who was meant for me, but that he knows I will be happy with the new guy.
He said "trust me" and I do...I guess I have to.
Obviously, I don't have the tools to change my own future.
I think I do in my head, but when I go to use them, they turn into other tools that are completely unfit for the job at hand.

I don't know what I'm gonna do without him....
I mean I know I'm not gonna be without him because I'm completely cool with being friends with him...I just don't know how I'm gonna handle him being with my phuckin girl.
As far as I'm concerned, and I did mention this at the lake, she's like a sister to me, and I would never date anyone my blood sister has dated. That's completely off limits for me. I thought that if any girl had any respect for herself, she wouldn't even consider being with one of her girl friend's exes.
But she told me she was starting to have feelings for him.

This shyt is KILLING ME!

Like, I might look okay on the outside, but inside I'm phucking ROILING! My blood is literally boiling over this situation.

SOMEBODY PLEASE TRY TO HELP ME FIGURE THIS NEXT LITTLE DILEMA OUT!
I've mostly done the breaking up when it comes to my past boyfriend's...except for twice. BOTH TIMES, my boyfriend was someone I could see myself being with. Someone I actually reeeally liked. Yes, I've been engaged 5 times now, but the only one I really will have trouble getting over....is this last one. The other guy that broke up with me did it because he's white, his parents are racist, and I'm half black and half white. That one, I didn't get too broken up over, even though I still kinda had strong ass feelings for him.
This one...is gonna kill me.

My brother-friend is pretty good with reading palms, right. Well, I asked him to read mine the night before last because there's a dent in my lifeline. I don't know where the hell that came from, I hadn't seen it before this year...well, he looked at my palm and said that he saw complications with a friend, that Carissa and I were basically gonna butt heads pretty bad pretty soon.
I think this relationship issue might be the reason.

Honestly, I don't know what to think anymore. I have a massive headache and all my thoughts are tangled up.
I talked to my brother-friend when I got home early this morning, though. For one thing, I had to ask him about some guy that "my guy" said my brother-friend told him about. Said that my brother-friend told him that one night at my house, he had fallen asleep or some shyt, and this other guy came in and we left for a bit and came back smiling. Turns out he was ONCE AGAIN bringing up this time where one of his gay friends came over and fell asleep on my bed and I drew a pretty graphic picture of a penis on his knee with the word "PAENIS!" under it with the organ squirting on the word. Either while I was doing that or before I did it, another guy came over. This was the guy in question. I couldn't remember anyone coming over to my house by the description "my guy" was giving me, the description my brother-friend gave...so I asked my brother-friend and he cleared it up a little. I remember who that other guy in question was, and from the description my brother-friend gave, it was the guy in "my guy"s dream of me, the one meant for me. When I found out who this guy in question actually was....HELL NO! I would NEVER in a MILLION YEARS date that guy! I told "my guy" that I was about to kill myself if that was the guy in his dream. He understood cuz he knows the guy in question.

Okay, I'm gonna end this one now...before I type out a novel here. I might add more later.

Yayness, I think...

Well...I wrote that letter...I don't know if I said in the last post that I wanted to write my guy a letter, but if I didn't....well....I did. Want to, that is. And I did write it. I gave it to him...not yesterday, but the day before. Didn't see him yesterday...talked to him, though.

But check this out...

When I was over there the Saturday, so was her daughter, right? Well, her daughter is the most beautiful, sweet, fun kids I have ever known! She's 4 years old, and the most adorable thing ever! She has some energy, too! I help wear her out, though, so she can get some good sleep at night. Well, Saturday, we went shopping around and I helped occupy the child a lot. When we got back to their apartment, the daughter was still energized, and when anyone went out to smoke on the balcony, mostly when I went out there, she would come out, too. The first time, she wanted to see over the balcony like we did, so I hiked up my leg and let her sit on my knee. Then, she got heavy for me to do that a lot, seeing as there's nowhere to prop my foot, so I hiked the girl up to my shoulder! She could see everything, then! She was taller than we were!! ^_^
Then, when we were back inside, my seat was right by the door in this niiiiice chair of theirs, and the little girl and I would do this thing over and over where she ran to me, I caught her and hoisted her into the air, then she stood on my shoulders and propped up against the wall before taking my hands and freefalling onto my legs, then tossing her own legs over herself and landing on the floor upright...it was super fun! She loved it.
Let's just say, we had fun, the kid is energetic, and I helped wear her out again.
Sometime later that same night, while my girl friend's daughter was asleep, I found a ring on the microwave. Well, I'd seen it before, but now realizing it looked more like a piece of jewelry than anything else, I picked it up and tried it on to see if it fit any finger....the ONLY finger it fit comfortably on was my wedding ring finger, left hand. Got curious, so I asked about it. Girl friend said it's a ring, I remembered who gave it to her and everything, then showed her where it fit. She said "Oh, Keke, will you marry me?" and without missing a beat, I said "Yes, girl, I wuv you!!!" :oD
By the way, this guy I call my guy, the one who proposed to me using a ring of his that I unfortunately got lost (I'm not sure if it's on my myspace or not, but I was PISSED for a week straight, if not longer, about losing that!)....the one I really feel like I'm in love with, the one I said yes to when he proposed to me...the one I wrote the letter to...he was there.
He read my letter before I left, too...like, a couple hours before...and, I have to say that I admitted to a lot in that letter. I mean, we had done a L O T together, and if I'm not mistaken...by his responce to it, he remembers and still enjoys remembering what we had done. I didn't keep it all steamy, though...some of it was giving him respect for doing what he does and handling it all as well as he's letting on. Said about how I'd give almost anything to have him kiss my hand again, or kiss his cheek, or hug him even. He explained again, in less words and more friendly like I knew it already (because I did and still do) about how he's dealing with a lot still and went into more of what he's dealing with. I understood all of it and even voiced my opinion on some, which was the exact opinion he had...so he knows I'm on the same level he's on.
But the letter also mentioned how I think I'm wanting to tease him, too...and boy, did I ever. I saw some of the looks he was giving me...and if it were just the two of us...the house might have been rocking.
Anyway...
I'd keep fiddling with the ring, seeing as all it is is a band of white gold, smooth on every side...fiddled with it on my wedding ring finger, semi-close to my face. I took a silk tie that was just one untied piece and made a noose out of it, looping 7 times instead of 13 like I did with my mentor rope from college graduation. It's red...I thought it looked nice. The tie looked nice, too. I put it around my neck, let it dangle down over my chest, and let it be. The neat thing was, my shirt was a button up and the next button down from choking myself is positioned so that a little cleavage shows. Not too much, but some. And that silk tie hung right in the middle of that...it did cover the necklace, but I thought it was super hot. He knows how I like the whole idea of hands around my neck or a blade up to it or something that could choke me...I gets kinky like that. Shh.
So yeah, anyways...um...
Oh yeah...he tried telling me that this ring wasn't meant for me after I put it on and within 5 to 10 minutes, it sent out a huge, painful thump that felt like it cut my finger off. I took the ring off quick and exclaimed about it like "OW! SHYT that hurt!" He kept saying he was trying to warn me, but he never said anything. I let him hold it to see what was going on, and he said he was trying to take most of whatever that was in the ring...out of the ring. He gave it back and I put it on my middle finger...it did the same thing, only a lot weaker, but I still felt it. Then, I handed it to my girl friend, the one it was intended for...seeing as my guy was saying it was because the ring wasn't meant for me......she said she could clear it, so she took it and concentrated on it like he did, but in her own way. With her, I saw some energy flowing through her hand...like aura, per se. I told her I saw it flicker and she said it was her sending jolts of happy thoughts into the ring to banish the negative. She said that after she handed it back...it felt a lot better as soon as I touched it. But then, within about 10 minutes, it very lightly thumped again....like so light, it only felt like my finger was twitching...so I handed it back and she finished the deed.
We both mentioned how we think my guy doesn't realize how powerful she is. I mean, he's asking her to teach him...which should mean he does realize that...but oh well.
I don't even really realize I have it on, half the time.
OH!
My half-deaf friend, this guy who's like a brother to me...he mentioned sometime later that this ring would be perfect to propose to me with.
The dope actually SAID that out LOUD!
My girl friend didn't catch that, and my guy was all too quick to make sure she never did.
I'm not sure if that was the best thing to do or not.
Maybe he's thought about it since...not sure.
I thought about my girl friend asking for the ring back, then my guy giving it back to me on one knee. Boy, I've thought about that.
That would be so damn romantic.
^_^ Ahh....

Hopefully it's not only in my dreams...heh.

LOADS to update on!

Well...for one thing, the possibility of "my guy" and my friend doing anything together, seeing as they are living together...it's lessened, but it isn't completely gone. Mind you, I'm not the jealous type, nor am I quick to judge a scenario like this...but this kinda shyt has happened to me before, so of course I'm gonna get paranoid about it!

Off of that part of the subject, though...man, where do I begin. I can't believe how much has happened since my last post!

For starters, he says that the temptation with my friend isn't there anymore....OOH even further back than that...some time after finding out that he's moved in closer to me, I found out that he actually broke up with me. I thought we'd just backed up, not broken up! You know, like a pause, or like...lighten up in the relationship, calm down a little. I didn't expect us to be separated already! We JUST got engaged! He'd JUST proposed to me!
I honestly don't know how I keep my composure in some situations....but anyway...
We went to this party on the Saturday before the full moon this month, my friend and my guy and I did...well, I know that all he said to me at this party is true because he was getting himself drunk and things were just spilling out. He told me the reason for the breakup was that same vision he saw in the dream...but he elaborated on that. FINALLY! I had no clue what was going on or anything until that Saturday. He said that, in this vision in this dream, he was not the one for me. He said he saw me getting married to someone else. I severely disagree with his dream. And, to elaborate on what that whole thing was about my paranoia with him living in the same appartment as my friend...he told me that night that when he first saw my friend, he saw wedding bells. He said he sees them with me, and would rather be with me, but he wanted to try all possibilities. He asked me what I would do if he tried to be with my friend, and I said that was a tough decision. Then he asked me how I would feel, and I said that of course I would be hurt because that's a good friend of mine and something like that has happened before, but that's all I knew at the moment.
Let's see...he said he didn't want to hurt me and that saying he wanted to break up with me was difficult, so that's why he worded it the way he did. I told him that I wanted to call him the next night (the night after that potluck stuff when he started all this) and he said he wanted to call me. I mean, I warned him that the signal over there at that potluck was bad, and I told him later that we should have talked when we could actually hear eachother. That would have saved a lot of pain and stuff. When I told him at the full moon party that I was tired of crying over guys (which I am) and that I did cry a bit with all this confusion and shyt, he looked hurt. I was kinda glad that he did, maybe he will realize just what my heart is going through. I mean, I know that he's going through a lot and that that's the reason he did it, but really. He said he really needed friends more than anything right now...but someone please tell me, wouldn't one special more-than-a-friend who WANTS to be there for you and WANTS to help you through some tough times more than anyone...be wanted more than just a friend? If it was me, I would have just said "Baby, I love ya, but I really think we should lighten up in the relationship a tad...I'm going through a lot and I need to think some, evaluate some things..." I mean, I thought that's what he was saying, you know?

-Le sigh...-

I'm sure there's more I need to add, but right now I can't even think about every detail we went over at that party, or since. I'm sure he thinks we're in agreement that he just needs a good friend and all...but I'm working on teasing the phuck out of him until he takes me back. I told him at that party that I really was loving the idea of a future with him. He already knows that I wouldn't mind having his baby if it ever came to that. I'm guessing he didn't exactly come to grips with the fact that when I love, I love fierce. I'm not in it for a game, I'm in it to win it....I want a long-term relationship. I'm done playing games with these other guys who only want sex or someone to show off. I don't want that anymore. I want someone to really BE with. As Susan Sarrandon (sp?) said in Shall We Dance, a witness to my life. There are a billion people on this planet, what does one life really mean?
I thought I had found the rest of my life's witness.
Hopefully, I have. I really don't want to lose this one.

Oh, I also told him that I hope he doesn't expect me to lie down and take some bullshit game like some of his exes had. My heart is tired of being toyed with. I told him earlier in the relationship that he had somehow managed to find all the little shattered pieces of my broken heart and healed it up, and now it's his. I wasn't playing around at all...I was dead serious.
I don't know if you think this is childish or highschoolish but I wrote him a letter last night before I went to bed. I was kinda inebriated and something was telling me to write these things down. I mentioned about the night before how we were at their apartment and after passing around some Cheetos, I was kinda looking at him while sucking the cheesy goodness off my fingers. We were all kinda drunk and stuff so I didn't give a shyt....I noticed him noticing me, too, and I still didn't care. I was looking right at him with those phuck-me eyes of mine (even though I didn't notice at the time that I was giving him THAT look) and sucking on my fingers, one at a time, paying special attention to each. When he noticed me, he stared at me for a second with that same thought...and I mentioned that in the letter. I mentioned a lot in that letter. I'm gonna give it to him tonight with the pre-warning that he should read it at some point when either my girl friend is asleep or when he's stolen a few moments away by himself. I went and threw in a few song lyrics too, because one song that was huge with us when we started seriously falling for each other (thanks to that like-a-brother friend of mine) started playing while I was writing to him. That was irony at its best in my eyes...

So yeah. Hopefully, after he reads this, he will realize how seriously in love with him I was -- and still am -- and how badly I want to at least hug him, hold his hand, even kiss his cheek. I mean, I told that brother/friend of mine that, and I said this in the letter, I would do almost anything to have my guy even kiss my hand again. Some sort of affection other than his simple looks, which still manage to make me melt.

OH! He also said the other night that...well, let me give you a smidgen of backstory for this.
The guy who took my virginity is a douche. He likes to make random appearances back into my life after randomly dissapearing, you know.
Well, he came over the other night, and so did my guy, my girl friend, and my brother/friend. My girl friend was low on gas and my guy was asking me how much gas my car has. Even though I can't really drive it, it has about a full tank of gas...and it's because I can't really drive it, that I openly offered my car's tank for cyphoning. We cut off a solid piece of already half way mauled garden hose for the job and I went and found a 2-liter bottle because we couldn't find a gas can. Well...ultimately, the tank was un-cyphonable, so we gave up and I gave them some emergency cash. At the moment, I had walked from the road to the house and back and then up to my room and back about a dozen times, so I was standing on the porch leaning against the railing when my guy came up to hand me the hose, bottle, and garden shears (used to cut the hose). While handing them to me, he was explaining: Here's the bottle, here's the hose...and if HE puts a finger -- or anything else -- on you, this is for him. Then, he promptly opened and closed the shears to make a point. I knew exactly what my guy meant. He also said it in that voice that makes me quivver just thinking about it.

Why do I have to be tortured so!?

I can't phucking take this waiting game anymore! This is why I wrote the letter! I really hope it doesn't complicate things any more than they already are. Just like the text I sent him that said that basically my lips are burning for his. He agreed to that text and said he knows how I feel.
I dunno bout all that, now.
I feel pretty cruddy, to be honest.
I feel like he, after healing my heart, broke it in half and stole the bigger half.
That's exactly how I feel....even though I feel completely heartless.....I think his half was 3/4s of my heart, to be honest.

I don't know what to think anymore. I just hope that he reads it tonight and calls me if he wants to talk about it. I'm open to talk to him about anything.

THAT'S ANOTHER THING! He wants friends more than anything. I want to support him and be with him more than anything. I want my fiance back.
Which reminds me, when I told my girl friend (shortly after my guy moved in) that we had actually gotten engaged before his breaking up with me (which SHE told me he broke up with me before I got those words from him), she was in near silent shock. She was all "Oh.......I didn't know that...." and that made me think....did he ask her out? Did he ask her to do anything with him? Is he unloading blue balls in or on her at this very moment? (Well, okay, not that moment because she was taking me home and he was staying behind at her apartment with her sleeping 4-year-old daughter.) She was saying that "backing up" as I heard it from him was "not what he told her" and that he told her something different. I couldn't get it out of her. I asked her if his breaking up with me was all he said to her and she didn't answer. I asked her if he said anything else to her about the two of them and she said "I don't know." I told her that was a load of bullshit, that she would know if he did. That's ALL I GOT, though.
Wouldn't you think something was going on between the two of them with that information?
I know I sure did.
But just recently, he told me that his temptation for her was gone.
I don't know whether I believe that or not.

He KNOWS about the situation I went through with my first fiance going behind my back with my best friend at the time. He knows this, I told him about it to his face! I swear to everything of a higher power that if this is happening to me again, someone other than me will get severely hurt. I will decapitate the both of them and keep their eyes in jars like See No Evil. I say that because HIS eyes are absophuckinlutely GORGEOUS! HER eyes have purdy power rings in them. They're both lovely.

ANYWAY I'm gonna end this here and now before I go even crazier with it.